Dear Presidential Candidate:
How I received your solicitation for money is really bizarre, even subversive. I have never voted for a so-called “conservative” in my life, and surely never will. Your laundry list of credentials and ideological buzz points below are strikingly offensive to me in their level of hypocrisy and manipulation. I am somewhat slack-jawed by the fact that you are indeed running again, given your implausible and neo-fascist mandate. However, I am resting comfortably that your candidacy will fail in its infancy, or will perhaps even arrive still-born. I hesitate to suggest you even abort the campaign before its first trimester, in the interest of not making our quadrennial elections a freaky, jingoism-addled burlesque. However, if your intention is to provide a type of performance art-driven ballast to the other dry and grisly candidates of the Grand Old Party, perhaps you do have a niche in there somewhere.
In closing, I was a resident of the state of Pennsylvania during your tenure as a senator. I would not describe it as an exaggeration to say that your representing me was such a repulsive condition for me that I had to make hay to better pastures.
I have no regrets, except that you occasionally return to me in the darkest glimmers of my REM sleep. Shame on you.
Regards, and keep doing what you’re doing in order to become a preposterous footnote in the annals of electoral politics,
The Original Pitch
Yesterday, I officially announced my candidacy for President of the United States.
And now, I need YOUR help to take back America!
If you’re ready to join me, will you please pitch in a generous financial gift right now to help me kickstart my campaign?
I believe that it’s going to take a fearless, unapologetic, conservative leader to stand up to Hillary Clinton and win back the White House in 2016.
And I believe I am that leader.
As a United States Senator, I spent many years fighting passionately for conservative solutions to our nation’s problems and policies that foster and strengthen working families.
And as the leader of one of the nation’s largest grassroots organizations, Patriot Voices, my passion has only grown.
Unfortunately, the Obama-Clinton agenda has undone much of what we’ve fought for, and hard working Americans are paying the price.
But this doesn’t have to be the end of the story. Together, we can take back America and build a brighter future!
Please pitch in whatever you can right now.
Our nation is hurting right now.
Working families are more heavily burdened than ever by excessive government intrusion, regulation, and bureaucracy.
Our national debt has skyrocketed at an unprecedented and dangerous rate as a result of Barack Obama’s left-wing policies.
Our stature on the world’s stage is embarrassingly weak. Our allies – and our homeland – are in grave danger from ISIS and other radical Islamic terrorist organizations.
And our freedom to practice our faith is under vicious attack in our communities, in our states, and even nationwide.
I’m prepared to answer the call and tackle every one of these challenges. I am determined to bring this nation back from the brink.
But I’m going to need your help to do it. Will you please pitch in a generous gift to help me launch this campaign right now?
This is going to be a long and grueling campaign.
The field of Republican candidates is already huge, and more competitive than I’ve ever seen it. I’m going to need your help to get out in front of the pack right away.
In 2012, I jumped ahead in the polls by winning the Iowa Caucuses. I then went on to win massive primary victories in Colorado and Minnesota, along with eight other states.
I was one of the last two candidates standing thanks to support from a massive grassroots network of patriots just like you.
With your support this year, I know I can win this nomination and take back the White House for the American people.
And that’s why I’m asking you to please pitch in whatever you possibly can right now, and help me launch this campaign to take America back.
Thank you so much for your generous support.
God bless you, and may God bless America,
PAID FOR BY SANTORUM FOR PRESIDENT