Lindsey Graham: “When I’m President, I’ll Send Phallic Murder Missiles to Penetrate Your Thoughts”

Senator Lindsey Graham, the prettiest Scarlett O’Hara wannabe in DC, is running for president because “I think the world is falling apart.”  That’s the kind of drama queen stuff that’d make the contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race say, “Oh, butch it up a little, Mary.”

In Iowa this weekend at the Lincoln Day Dinner, where candidates and potential candidates do a brief sashay to debut their new dresses for election season for the pleasure of 1,400 gathered Republicans who have an inflated sense of their value in picking a new president, Graham had harsh words for Americans who might not be thinking very American thoughts, “If I’m president of the United States and you’re thinking about joining Al Qaeda or ISIL — anybody thinking about that? — I’m not going to call a judge, I’m going to call a drone and we will kill you.”

Call a drone?  Was he gonna pick up the phone and say, “Hey, there, Drone.  We had such a good time last week when we blew up that wedding in Yemen.  Mmm-hmmm.  What are you wearing?  Oh, baby, say, ‘Hellfire’ again.  It makes me so hard.  Not as hard or big as you.  Listen, I just want to grab you and aim you and make you fire, make you fire so good, this time at an American in Detroit who tweeted that he supported al-Shabaab.  It’s Detroit, so no one will notice a little ol’…sorry, I mean a big ol’ missile explosion.  Do you want me to aim you at his ass or mouth?  Oh, you so dirty, Drone.  Remember to send me pictures.”

Now, of course, you can say Graham was trafficking in rhetorical hyperbole for a bunch of people with shit on their shoes and in their heads, but the blind acceptance of drone murdering American citizens without charge or trial, without even action beyond a Google search and a couple of emails, speaks to how far we’ve fallen in what we consider freedom.  Someone does need to ask Graham if he’d drone kill the fuck out of bad thinkers in Europe.  Or Texas.

The other thing that Graham is promising us (as are many of the Republicans) is everlasting war.  He wants at least 10,000 American soldiers in Iraq to fight Isis, the rise of which he totally blames on Obama because what the fuck else is Graham gonna say?  He wants to keep a fuck of a lot of troops in Afghanistan.  “How many of you think the Iranians want to build a peaceful nuclear power plant and how many think they want to build a weapon?” he asked the slavering, dining horde.  And if you think Iraq wants to build a power plant?  Well, motherfucker, you “shouldn’t be allowed to drive in Iowa.”  Man, Lindsey Graham is a total dickhead to people who disagree with him.

So that makes it weird that he would say, “I’ve been accused of working with Democrats too much.  In my view Democrats and Republicans work together too little and I would try to change that if I got to be president.”  Bitch, how many filibusters did you vote to uphold?  Who threatened to block all Obama administration nominees unless he got the answers he wanted on Benghazi?  Lindsey Graham professing a desire to be bipartisan is like a dog professing a desire to shit in a toilet.  We all know the dog’s just gonna shit on the ground, no matter how much he says he wants to do otherwise.

But welcome to the race to lose to Hillary Clinton, Senator Graham.  And when you do, well, hell, maybe you’ll be lucky enough to impeach another Clinton since you’re so very open to working across the aisle.


Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on May 18, 2015, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa.  It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.

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