You know what’s darkly hilarious or perhaps hilariously dark or maybe not hilarious at all and just plain dark? I’d bet that Lindsey Graham and Ron DeSantis thought what they did this week was fucking awesome and that they’d show those no-good liberals what fucking hypocrites they are. Except that reality ended up punching them both in the dick for acting like dicks, and, yeah, that’s pretty fucking funny.
First, South Carolina Sen. Graham, who lately always looks like he’s on his fifth mint julep while annoyed that he doesn’t have enough liquor for number six, put out a bill to outlaw nearly all abortions after 15 weeks, and he fucking expected Republicans to jump for joy that he had solved the post-Roe clusterfuck of bad news for his party going into the midterms. At his weird little press conference announcing the bill, Graham pronounced, “If we adopted my bill, our bill, we would be in the mainstream of most everybody else in the world. I think there are 47 of the 50 European countries have a ban on abortion from 12 to 15 weeks. And I pick 15 weeks, which is a little longer than Belgium, Germany and Spain, longer than France, Denmark, and Norway.” So now we’re taking our cues from Europe? I thought that was wrong and might turn us all gay to do that.
Let’s put aside that every single country he mentioned has universal health care, paid child care, and maternity leave, with Germany and Spain mandating full pay during the leave, and thus make life a fuck of a lot easier for new parents and new children. And let’s leave aside that France, Spain, Denmark, Belgium, and Norway all pay for abortions in their national health care. Instead, let’s focus on one aspect of those countries’ abortion policies: yes, they do limit abortion on demand after a certain period, but they also have exceptions for the mental or emotional health of the woman. Graham’s savage bill specifically prohibits that. It says that, yes, if the woman’s physical well-being or safety is in danger after 15 weeks, abortion is fine, “but not including psychological or emotional conditions.” So we’re not just talking about a pregnant woman saying that she is not mentally well enough to have a child. We’re talking if a woman, say, suffers from severe post-partum depression that might even lead to self-harm. She’s shit out of luck and will have to hope she can endure. “Fuck you, bipolar lady,” Graham says. “You did the fucking, you do the time.”
And I’m not even getting into the fact that Graham calls any abortion after 15 weeks “late term,” which is just not how words or time or math works. Nor am I diving into the creepiest part of this really fucking creepy bill, which is all about how “the pregnancy must be terminated by the method most likely to allow the child to be born alive unless this would cause significant risk to the mother.” I mean, what the fuck? That’s not abortion. That’s premature birth, and I’m pretty fucking sure that it ain’t happening at 15, 16 or even 20 weeks, before which over 98% of abortions are performed.
Graham really was proud of this bill, not realizing or not giving a fuck that he pissed off Mitch McConnell, who always looks like he’s trying not to show that he shit his Depends; he pissed off the fucking lunatics in the GOP, who want a total abortion ban nationally; and he pissed off the Republicans who have been saying that the laws should be decided by each state. Obviously, it also pissed off the pro-choice politicians, too. So this was a masturbatory exercise by Lindsey Graham, and he thought everyone would watch him jack it and exclaim, “Oh, wow, you are so hot when you yank off.” But instead, he’s not allowed to orgasm, and this whole thing may end with him putting his flaccid dick back in his pants and shuffling away.
Speaking of public masturbation, what else was the purpose of Florida Governor Ron “That Cunt” DeSantis’s little stunt of flying 50 asylum-seeking Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard, the charming island where rich fucks have summer houses? At his press conference on Thursday bellowing about it, DeSantis tried to justify this bullshit: “If you have folks that are inclined to think Florida is a good place, our message to them is we are not a sanctuary state, and it’s better to be able to go into a sanctuary jurisdiction.”
First off, DeSantis and his staff of ass remoras proclaimed that “illegal aliens” or “unauthorized immigrants” were being transported. No, dickscabs, by federal law, asylum seekers are not illegal. Second off, DeSantis might have violated state law. See, the budget that was passed in July in Florida included $12 million “for implementing a program to facilitate the transport of unauthorized aliens from this state consistent with federal law.” So…not “unauthorized aliens.” They were picked up in Texas, so not “from this state.” And it looks like federal law might have been broken because the migrants were lied to about where they were going and what for in order to entice them onto the planes. You can’t fucking do that to real human beings, real families, real children, goddamnit. That’s called “kidnapping” or “trafficking.”
The entire purpose of the stunt was to own the libs and see how they like it when migrants come through. In December, DeSantis pricked, “If you sent them to Delaware or Martha’s Vineyard or some of these places, that border would be secure the next day.” He fully expected residents to get all NIMBY. But the libs aren’t being owned. No, despite some on the right crowing that blue areas are in a “panic” over the migrants being sent there, what the places are trying to do is provide the social services that they need. In Martha’s Vineyard (which is now more or less done for the season and is just populated by the locals, so shitty timing there, Ronster), they opened their arms and buildings, providing food, shelter, legal advice, and more for the migrants.
That’s not being owned. In fact, all that most places want is a heads up that a state is sending migrants there so they can be prepared. But DeSantis (and nutzoid conservative knobgobbler Greg Abbott of Texas) want to do all this in the cuntiest possible way, sending the migrants to the middle of cities or train stations or outside Vice President Harris’s residence because that’s how they get a hard-on they can grab and wank for the racist yahoos that form their base. I mean, fuck, the governor of Massachusetts is a Republican. So DeSantis is trying fuck over his own party.
All Republicanism is now is stunts and Trump worship. There’s really no one with any power who is serious about any of this shit. Graham and DeSantis thought they were gonna really fuck the left. Instead, they ended up fucking themselves. And, hopefully, their bullshit worthless party.
Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on September 16, 2022 on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa. It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.