What Did That Dumb Orange Motherf**cker Say Now? (Hurricane and 9/11 Edition)

Yesterday, at his press briefing on Hurricane Florence, which is likely to fuck up South Carolina, along with possibly North Carolina, Georgia, Virginia, and/or Maryland, Donald Trump, a man whose every word and hand gesture makes him seem like a carny barker trying to get people to see the “mermaid” that’s just a dead monkey with a fish tail sewn on, shit all over Puerto Rico. Devastation from Hurricane Maria last year was exacerbated, according to the goddamn president of the United States, because those freakin’ Ricans were completely incompetent and that the island was already fucked before Maria arrived.

He really said, “Puerto Rico got hit not with one hurricane but with two. And the problem with Puerto Rico is their electric grid and their electric generating plant was dead before the storms ever hit. It was in very bad shape. It was in bankruptcy. It had no money. It was largely — you know, it was largely closed. And when the storm hit, they had no electricity — essentially before the storm. And when the storm hit, that took it out entirely.”
The plant wasn’t dead. Like the grid itself, it was in shitty shape. It needed a ton of work and money. A wise leader might say that this is an opportunity to help Puerto Rico get an electric grid that is at least part of the 21st century. But not Trump. For him, it was a chance to pass off any blame for the fuckery that contributed to the deaths of nearly 3000 Americans. He blamed the mayor of San Juan, even though many deaths occurred in rural areas where she’s not the fuckin’ mayor. He blamed the fact that the place is an island, as if the Federal Emergency Management Agency shouldn’t be prepared for island disasters, considering that one state and all U.S. territories are goddamned islands.
But a man who, with a straight face, can say that the government didn’t need to learn jackshit about any failures in Puerto Rico, who can actually verbalize that it was “an incredible, unsung success,” is not a man who really gives a sad donkey fuck about anyone. He just keeps barreling ahead, presenting every massive cock-up as someone else’s problem or some way that evil motherfuckers want to hold him back and keep him down. Just wait until he blames the trillion dollar deficit on Obamacare or something and not his goddamned tax cuts.
And there is always some stupid in whatever Trump says, some thing that everyone fuckin’ knows already that he’s gotta act like is the biggest discovery in the world, like, “Holy shit, you know a man can piss standing up?” In this case, it was hurricane research: “You know, we go out there; you have people that actually go fly through these storms. These are very brave people. But they fly through.” Yeah, brain dead King Louie, we’ve watched the news. They’ve been doing it for like 75 years. He wouldn’t care if you told him because he’s got no damn shame.
The level of decorum he displayed yesterday as he walked on the tarmac near Shanksville, Pennsylvania, pumping his wee fists and doing that lip bite he thinks looks tough, but mostly looks like he’s letting out a big, wet fart, was when he was heading to a 9/11 memorial ceremony, America’s holiest of holy days. Even there, before and after his speech, he pointed at people in the crowd and gave his stubby thumbs up, like a douchebro at a frat mixer approving of who his bud is hitting on.  Yet he gave a speech that was so sleepy, it was as if John Kelly told him no Big Macs if he veered off text to talk about “fake news” or the electoral college totals. He did get to say, “radical Islamic terrorism,” which probably gave a half-stiffie.
But that’s nothing compared to the weirdo fuckin’ video posted to his social media where Trump talked about 9/11 from “the really beautiful lawn of the Rose Garden,” as he put it. He praised the “incredible” people on Flight 93 who prevented their plane from crashing into “the White House or the Capitol or wherever it was heading,” which, fine, yeah, the target is up for debate, but it’s just a strange, dismissive way to put it. He continued, “These were 3000 incredible people, and we never will let this happen again.”
You just wanna shout at the your phone or your computer or tablet, “Motherfucker, you let it happen again. You let it happen in Puerto Rico. It. Fucking. Happened. Except this time you were the hijacker and the federal government was the plane.”
I have lots of friends and some family in Florence’s path. The hurricane is gonna be awful. I’m expecting the aftermath is going to be even worse because this fuckin’ president doesn’t know how to land, how to save the passengers in case of emergency. He only knows how to crash.
Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on September 12, 2018, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa.  It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.
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