Trump, Russia, Clinton, Email, and the Great Cosmic Jokes of This Stupid, Stupid Election

It’s like we’re living in the middle of a two-part cosmic fucking joke with this story that Russia may very well have hacked the Democratic National Committee and stole and then leaked emails through Wikileaks in order to help Donald Trump win the presidency of the United States because Vladimir Putin likes the cut of Trump’s jib or knows that he would gladly be Putin’s bottom with an asshole throbbing with yearning.

The first part of the joke belongs to those of us old enough to remember the Evil Empire and those even older remembering how lives were ruined in backwards ass paranoia that the Soviet Union was going to take over America, that Russkie spies were everywhere and had to be rooted out and the worst thing you could be called was a commie or a Moscow sympathizer.  For a long time the joke was that the whole thing was a fucking dumb show.  Even as we were told to be terrified, the Soviet Union was imploding, and Mother Russia was teetering on the verge of economic and regional chaos. We were more likely to be killed by mistakes due to incompetence and corruption than from an intentional missile attack.

But now the joke is that, despite all the attacks on liberals in the United States or the red-baiting of anyone who said anything slightly socialistic, like “Medicare,” the real infiltration and attempted take over would come in the form of a Russian oligarch attempting to get a sympathetic American oligarch elected president in order to bring Europe and elsewhere into Russia’s capitalistic sphere of influence.  That’s fucking hilarious.  And scary.  Mostly scary, but still hilarious.

And what did the mighty hack show us?  What horrors did it reveal?  Was it that Hillary Clinton really is a lizard woman who threatened to unhinge her jaw and devour  Bernie Sanders whole?  From everything you can read so far, it seems like the big revelation is that…political operatives acted just like you’d expect political operatives to act.  And, yeah, the Democratic National Committee was biased towards the lifelong Democrat who has worked tirelessly to get Democrats elected.  To Sanders’ supporters, this was confirmation of something that Sanders said in the campaign.  To anyone who has ever paid attention to an election ever, the reaction was “Yeah, and?”

For instance, Wikileaks, an organization that has done amazing things for increasing our knowledge of how fucked up the world is, tweeted out breathlessly, “#DNCLeak: ‘access’ in exchange for ‘donations’ (another email explicitly uses ‘pay to play’).”  This is followed by one of the stolen emails, one that shows a DNC official promising a potential donor more access to Clinton with more money donated.  No shit.  You heard of the Pioneers?  These were people who donated the most money to the Bush/Cheney campaign.  The Pioneers practically got blow jobs from the candidates (or at least until Cheney’s hollow heart gave out).  Money in politics sucks.  We need to get it out.  But, for fuck’s sake, is this really so shocking?

No. What’s shocking is that the fucking Russians are likely trying to get Trump elected.  And that’s where the second cosmic joke comes in, the kind where karma just takes a giant shit on all of us.  We’re still hearing endlessly about the Clinton email fake scandal, you know, with her home server that turns out to have been a fuck of a lot more secure than the State Department’s or the DNC’s.  That was a bunch of political motivated malarkey that was an enormous waste of time and had as its only purpose to add to the air of Clinton as an untrustworthy figure (something I joined in on, to an extent, yes, mea fuckin’ culpa).  No classified information was leaked, and it’s up for argument if any was even sent.  And the rest was just an administrative issue, not a crime.

The joke part is that this Trump/Russian connection is a real email scandal.  This is what it looks like.  It looks like a dictatorial ruler of a country that is at odds with ours using hacked emails to get his hopeful stooge elected.  The big investigation now should be if there was any coordination between the Trump campaign and Moscow.

Meanwhile, here, our stupid, stupid election continues, with Debbie Wasserman-Schultz thankfully being put out of her misery (someone’s head had to roll for the anti-Bernie shit) and with Sanders getting booed for telling his supporters to vote for Clinton while screechy social media fucks and well-intentioned street protesters say that they will never, no-how, no way vote for Clinton because reasons.

To which one can only say: You know who will get hurt by a Trump presidency?  Every fucking group you think you’re defending with your purity.  And don’t fucking get upset when we say that not voting or voting for Stein or Johnson is as good as voting for Trump.  It’s as good as voting for Trump because Clinton is the only candidate who can beat him, and any vote not for her is a net gain for Trump, and that shit’ll matter in states like Pennsylvania, Ohio, and elsewhere.  And, yeah, fuck you if you think that voting for Clinton to stop Trump ain’t enough of a reason.  It is enough of a reason.  It’s always been, in every election, enough of a reason.  Sorry, sunshine, that’s the fuckery of democracy.

Fuck you for not knowing your history and not wanting to do everything you can to stop someone like Trump from ascending to the White House and appointing Supreme Court justices, which will fuck us all for the rest of our lives.  You know who agrees with us and disagrees with you?  Bernie Sanders.  Elizabeth Warren.  Michael Moore.  President Obama.  And a fuck-ton of liberal writers (and a shitload of conservative writers, but fuck them where they stand anyways).

Do you think we’re all just lying to you?  Do you think people across the left are liars or shills, including the dude you worshipped all this time?  Or maybe, just maybe, we are sounding a warning bell, telling you that this shit is real.  A Trump presidency is realer in its consequences than a Clinton one, however bad you think a Clinton presidency might be.  Fuck, the Washington Post took the really unusual step to say, “Yeah, fuck this.  Trump is a psychopath.  Stop him.”  That’s unheard of.

Don’t damn us to be Cassandras.  Don’t let us stand there in 2017 and forward and say, “Told you so.”  Probably from our cells in the gulag.

Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on July 25, 2016, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa.  It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.

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