In the wake of Republicans winning the House of Representatives, even by a narrow margin, we got a preview this week of how much we’re damned to hear about every detail of the business dealings and, no doubt, personal life of Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden. Conservatively, it’ll be “a metric fuckton.” More likely, it will be “Benghazi times Hillary’s emails to the 10th degree.” To the gibbering madpeople and the skeevy fucks who lie to them, Hunter Biden and his Laptop of Mystery is the goddamn Rosetta Stone of bringing down the president. Or at least making him embarrassed. It’s a completely worthless, utterly bullshit subject, especially in the wake of the GOP overlooking decades of criminality by Donald Trump (who really was the president, a fact that dry humps my brain every day) and his shitty children. And it will be everywhere.
On the BBC Newshour this week, porcine drink-spiker and delinquent child support payer Jason Miller, who is also an “adviser” to Trump, was asked a reasonable question: Why doesn’t Trump just say that he lost in 2020 and now he’s back to win? Miller’s response was, no shit, “Shouldn’t Joe Biden come out and say his family had shady Chinese business dealings and maybe also that Hunter shouldn’t have been on the board of Burisma?” That’s not an answer to the question, which he was asked three times. You wanna compare the business ethics and financial shenanigans of Trump and Biden? Then let’s go.
By the way, Republicans had control of the House of Representatives in 2017 and 2018. If you’ll remember, we got zero investigations into Hunter Biden. You could argue that Joe wasn’t running for president then so the country didn’t have to worry about any allegedly shady shit, but you could also argue that it’s odd that no one gave a damn about Hunter until Joe announced to run if he was such a nexus of corruption and depravity. Besides, the Senate did do an investigation into Hunter in 2020 and found not a goddamn thing more than “Well, he probably shouldn’t have done a couple of things because they look a little hinky.” That’s it. A Republican-led Homeland Security Committee, chaired by fucking loon Ron Johnson, said Hunter and Joe Biden didn’t do anything illegal, and they were trying to make that case. Of course, the Laptop of Mystery appeared after the report from the committee came out, so that’s another secret sauce of conspiracy on top of the nutzoid sundae.
It’s all Hunter, man. In a pissy little Republican press conference this week, Rep. James Comer, an election denier with his head so far up Trump’s ass that he uses Trump’s dick as a periscope, and Rep. Jim Jordan, who is Jim Jordan, for fuck’s sake, announced that they will be probing Hunter Biden like an Ohio State wrestling coach probes the assholes of his athletes and Jim Jordan will probably ignore the truth here, too. Look at this shit: “We’re going to provide you all with something you’re not used with respect to congressional investigations, and that’s evidence,” Comer said in his slick as snakeskin Kentucky con artist voice before talking about how “experts” have “reviewed Hunter Biden’s laptop” to discover how “the Biden family swindled” people of hundreds of thousands of dollars and used “influence peddling” with China and Russia to make money. In other words, money laundering. And, first off, “hundreds of thousands of dollars,” motherfuckers? That’s chump change. No one at Biden’s level is risking everything for that pittance. But they’ll keep saying, “China” because it sounds evil, and they’ll keep saying, “Russia” because it makes it seem like Trump is exonerated from his money laundering.
Republicans say they’re using Hunter as a way of getting to Joe. “The president’s participation in enriching his family is, in a word, abuse of the highest order,” Comer asserted, and they will dig into everything Hunter to prove it. But Democrats didn’t have hearings about Ivanka, Eric, or noted cocaine vlogger Don, Jr., and they fucking well worked for their father. Shit, Ivanka and her creepy wraith husband Jared worked in the fucking White House, and Jared couldn’t wait to bob on sweaty Saudi knob once he was free of the mild burden of his “duties” for the federal government.
On top of this, trashcan troll doll and de facto Speaker Marjorie Taylor Greene is promising to try to use an obscure procedure to cut funding for any investigations into Trump, and I guarantee that the crazy caucus will attempt to shut down the government to stop any indictments. We’ve got Fauci hearings, immigrant caravan hearings, and “abuse” of January 6 terrorist hearings coming. Kevin McCarthy or whoever is cursed to be the real Speaker of the House is gonna need Democrats to get any shit done, and that’s fuckin’ hilarious. Meanwhile, House committees are gonna take anything said on right-wing propaganda bullshit networks as truth and use their subpoena power to fuck up lives and find absolutely fucking nothing. I look forward to the hearing on Hillary Clinton drinking baby blood.
It’s laughable that some in the media and even in Congress think that the narrowness of the GOP’s margin in the House would take some of the bugfuck wind out of their lunatic sails. Fuckin’ please. It’s like saying that Merrick Garland appointing a special counsel to take on the investigation of Trump would show it’s not political. By the time he finished that statement, Republicans were screaming about how political it is, including Trump. Haven’t we fucking learned that nothing chastens Republicans? Nothing teaches them any goddamn lessons? Not winning. Not losing. Nothing.
The only upside is that, for two elections now, Republicans have run, at least in part, on Hunter Biden, and it hasn’t done shit for them. Fuckin’ let people see what they do when they have power. Maybe a few more will understand that it’s only a show for these shitheels. It’s life and death for the rest of us.
Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on November 19, 2022 on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa. It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.
Image Credit: NPR