The Loser-in-Chief

Let me clear my throat.

When I first put myself in a self-imposed time out, one of the reasons was that I was really fucking pissed at myself for getting the presidential election so wrong, for thinking that it was a no-brainer that Hillary Clinton would be elected, that the country wasn’t so stupid and deluded and hateful that it would elect a fuzzy, bulbous fungus in human form instead.  So, yeah, I beat the shit out of myself for that, something I think that lots of real so-called pundits should have done and didn’t.  If you’re so fucking wrong, you own that.  You deal with it.  You wrestle with that shit.

But lately, I’ve come around to another way of thinking.  I wasn’t wrong.  Our election system is so innately fucked that it got it wrong.  Right now, Clinton is up by nearly 3 million votes.  That’s two percent more than Donald Trump, with a lead that’s growing with every precinct finalized.  Yeah, yeah, she didn’t win the presidency.  But I wasn’t wrong about the country.  Nearly 54% of voters rejected Trump.  And a plurality supported Clinton by far.  Sure, that’s way too many dumb fucks for any nation, but fuck you if you think Donald Trump has a “mandate” or a “historic victory” or some such shit.  It’s a goddamned embarrassment to say to the world, “Yeah, over here each person’s vote is totally not equal.”

Vice-President Elect Mike Pence, a man who looks like he slowly and angrily masturbates to kitten-stomping videos, claimed that the fact that Trump won more counties than Clinton is a sign of how amazingly splendiferous Trump’s triumph is.  Except, you know, fuck you.  Trump won Petroleum County (yes, there is a goddamn Petroleum County) in Montana with a total of 278 votes out of 322 cast.  Clinton won Manhattan’s county in New York with 515,481 votes out of nearly 600,000 cast.  In your precious list of counties won, those are each counted once.

I got nothing against the shit kickers and roughnecks of Petroleum County and I hope they don’t have anything against us up here in the Northeast.  But double fuck anyone for saying that one Montanan who voted for Trump is worth the same as over 1850 people who voted for Clinton in Manhattan.  Your history-making is bullshit.  Trump is the Loser-in-Chief, and he will always have asterisk after his name that’ll drive him insane(r).

Trump won because the Founders created a fucked-up system to make slave states feel wanted because conservatives have always thrown a fit if you don’t just accept their ignorance.  We can delude ourselves and say that “in their wisdom” the Founders created the Electoral College as a way to put the brakes on the election of a vile blithering idiot with dictatorial aspirations.  But it’s that very system that has gotten us to this point.  As much as we want the electors to go rogue, they’re not gonna put Clinton in office.  They’re gonna throw it to the Congress, which will just put Trump in or some other putrid fuck like John “Coat Hanger Lover” Kasich.  And that still won’t reflect what the majority of the country wants.  Yeah, the Founders were wrong and total elitists who would be appalled at Trump winning.  Shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump is bitch-slapped and buggered by the ghost of Benjamin Franklin.

(If Clinton truly wanted to fight, she’d take Lawrence Lessig’s advice and go after the constitutionality of the apportionment of the electors.  Republicans would do it in a heartbeat if the electoral and popular vote were reversed.  But Democrats never fight like that.  The GOP is throwing sand in our eyes and stomping us while we’re wondering why the ref doesn’t call a penalty.)

Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on December 8, 2016, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa.  It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.

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