1. At his press conference today, Republican presidential nominee and anthropomorphic mold spore Donald Trump went full Rubio. From the very beginning of his appearance at Trump Tower, an ugly motherfucker of a building, Trump was so ludicrously repetitious and sweaty and barely comprehensible that the Florida senator must have been somewhere, thinking, “Aw, c’mon, where the fuck is Chris Christie now?” (Answer: trussed up on a bed in the penthouse, asshole lubed and ready.)
Here is an actual quote from Trump’s opening remarks: “I think it will be very exciting. It will add to the excitement in Cleveland and that’s good. That’s what we want because it’s going to be an exciting period of time.” That is not edited or elided or anything. This was followed up with, no shit, a moment later with “So that’s something to me that’s very exciting. And overall, it’s just been a very exciting process.”
Didn’t this human garbage compactor talk about his vocabulary? Can someone implant a fuckin’ thesaurus in his brain? Or is he brain-damaged from all spray-tan chemicals?
And that’s not even getting to the endless number of times he said that he didn’t raise funds for veterans’ organizations to get publicity.
2. What kind of lying cocksucker gets to say that and not get laughed out of the building? Trump held a public event in January opposite a Republican debate he refused to attend because Fox “news” wasn’t “nice” to him. That event was broadcast on other channels. Today, Trump himself called the press conference in order to say who the money raised had gone to. He could have just put out a fuckin’ list, but, no, like an enraged bonobo with an unlimited amount of shit to toss, Trump had to get in front of the press to deny that he wanted press coverage.
3. This is not even to mention the underwear sniffer in the “Make America Great Again” camo-colored cap who stepped forward on stage to declare that he’s a vet, that other vets were on stage with Trump, but that it was Hillary Clinton who is “using veterans as political pawns.” Fuck that guy, fuck his service to our country, and fuck him forever with every dick around.
4. Fucknut up there said that we should head to Trump’s website to read about how much Il Donaldo wants to do for veterans. If you go to that page, it’s got the shit title of “Veterans Administration Reforms That Will Make America Great Again.” Sure, it says that vets would be able to go to any doctor who accepts Medicare and that Trump will, through his innate Trumpiness, trump the trump trump trump. That includes “increasing funding” for a shitload of things, which is totally not something that Democrats would ever ask for (except for all the fucking times they’ve asked for it and been blocked by Republicans). Mostly, though, the page is filled with platitudes and detail-free promises, treating the VA with all the seriousness you’d expect of a reality show star, even finding a way to, no shit, drop in his catchphrase: “Under a Trump Administration, there will be no job security for VA executives that enabled or overlooked corruption and incompetence. They’re fired.”
When you go to Hillary Clinton’s page for her plans for vets, she gets way specific, as you’d expect from a former Secretary of State (remember: Clinton is a twice-elected Senator, too; she ain’t just Benghazi Bitch, the Email Slut). In fact, there’s another page on “How She’ll Get It Done,” which goes into even more details than any campaign every normally would.
Compare one thing, treatment of women vets. Trump says, “The fact that many VA hospitals don’t permanently staff OBGYN doctors shows an utter lack of respect for the growing number female veterans. Under the Trump plan, every VA hospital in the country will be fully equipped with OBGYN and other women’s health services.”
Seemingly responding to that, Clinton’s plan says that she calls for “New funding to ensure women equal and respectful [treatment], going beyond simply modifying facilities and increasing the number of OBGYNs employed by the VHA, to include expanding provider training, ensuring culturally-competent VHA staff and policies, and providing other gender-specific health services – including mental health services.” She adds in reproductive health services and childcare facilities at VA facilities so women can see their doctors without having to worry about getting their kids taken care of. In other words, comprehensive, intelligent stuff that isn’t accomplished by a wave of a small hand, but rather through “bipartisan legislation” because that’s how shit is done (or used to be done. Who knows anymore?). It’s still pie-in-the-sky, sure, but it’s aspirational and specific, with lots of possible goals that can be achieved.
And, unlike Trump, Clinton and Bernie Sanders have actually done things to help vets beyond holding a bullshit public (but apparently secret) fundraiser whose real purpose was to pull ratings away from Fox because Donald Trump is a pathetic, needy piece of shit.
5. Trump said that he was waiting to see “documents” from the IRS before deciding if an organization was worthy of a donation. He needed their tax information in order to get the full picture. Huh. You could actually hear every reporter’s sphincter tighten in anticipation of attacking Trump for that lack of self-awareness.
6. Most of the event, though, was a prolonged meltdown at the press, with Trump calling them “sleazes” and “dishonest,” acting as if he should be above the kind of scrutiny that he demands of others. If we lived in normal times, it would have marked the end of his presidential aspirations. At this point, unless each reporter sucks his dick and massages his prostate, Trump is going to keep attacking the media to discredit all the negative shit that is going to start pouring out.
Dear media, somewhere there is a small burning ember of actual journalistic integrity in your mulch pile of clickbait and faux objectivity.
Blow on that ember. Destroy this man, this Trump. Because if you don’t and he’s elected, he will be coming after you. This is a petty, angry little person who doesn’t give a shit if he insults a federal judge. If he’s president, do you think that your precious First Amendment will protect you?
Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on May 31, 2016, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa. It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.