Okay, Fine, Let’s Make a Deal on the Fuckin’ Wall

So yesterday, skeevy fart huffer Mick Mulvaney, the White House Budget director, said that Donald Trump would be willing to negotiate on the next “oh, holy fuck, are we going through this again” make-or-shutdown budget bill.   Yeah, he won’t let the government run out of money if Democrats will fund his bullshit wall on the border of Mexico.  Oh, and he might not starve Obamacare to death and laugh while the peons scramble to get insurance.

Look, anyone who knows anything about the construction of this mythical “big, beautiful wall” understands that it’ll be a huge boondoggle, one that’ll cost metric shit-tons of money while doing dick to actually change the number of undocumented immigrants in the United States.  At this point, even a big majority of Texans oppose the wall because, among other things, it’ll fuck up a lot of people’s property.  The whole effort is a waste of time, energy, and money.

But you know what?  Fuck it.  Just for shits and giggles, let’s flip the script on the wall.  Trump wants to deal so he can say to his idiot hordes, “Look, I make wall.”  So let’s fuckin’ deal.

Democrats should see the wall as a chance for a major jobs program.  Yeah, they’re bullshit jobs because the project is bullshit.  But they’re jobs.  Democrats oughta make a big deal about how only Americans or immigrants with the right visas can be hired to build the wall.  They should demand a living wage, maybe even the right to unionize (although that won’t fly, but it’s a bargaining chip.  Remember, we’re negotiating with a master deal maker here [I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my nasal cavity]).  Oh, and they get health insurance.  These are all the requirements for the contractors, subcontractors, and subsubsubcontractors who will be getting that sweet federal funding.  You want America first, motherfucker?  Just what do you mean by that?

So Trump gets to pretend that his wall will be built.  Lookie there.  Winning (even though Mexico won’t be paying for it, shhhh).

But Democrats should also get one more thing from Trump: back the fuck off the Affordable Care Act unless you have a replacement that will cover the same people without loss of benefits.  No more garbage deals with the savage sphincter beasts of the Freedom Caucus.  No more threats on holding back cost-sharing funds that keep it stable.  You get the wall and you walk away from Obamacare until you have some actual goddamn plan.

The beautiful part of this whole fantasy is that not only will Republicans never come up with a rational replacement plan, but the fuckin’ wall is never gonna be built.  Or, if it is, it’ll take years and have massive cost overruns and, meanwhile, it is a government-run jobs program of the size of a New Deal project.  Oh, and, hey, won’t we need some infrastructure spending to make sure we can transport all that American steel easily?

What do you say, Donny-Don-Donald?  Art of the pussy-grabbin’ deal right there.

Of course, if this deal were even possible, you can’t trust Trump or the Republicans.  They’ll say they won’t fuck your sister and then you’ll walk in on them balls deep in her ass.  They don’t keep their word, and Trump is the fuckin’ worst about that.

In fact, even in talking about wanting the wall built, Mulvaney had the hypocritical balls to say, “If [Democrats] tell us to pound sand, I think that’s probably a disappointing indicator of where the next four years is going to go.  If they tell us, however, that they recognize that President Trump won an election, and he should get some of his priorities funded for that reason, elections have consequences, as folks who win always like to say.”

Someone’s gonna have to tell Barack Obama all about those consequences some day.

Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on April 21, 2017, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa.  It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.

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