Ah, John Kasich, you who are supposed to be the calm, reasonable substitute for the savage Trump and the viperous Cruz. You and your aw-schucks demeanor and golly-gee-whizzos attitude toward being allowed in the big ol’ game after coming from little ol’ Ohio (the seventh largest state by population in the country, with a shit-ton of cities), goddamn, you are such a scum-licking pigfucker it’s a wonder someone isn’t assigned to punch you in your smug cunt-face at least once every single day. Just shut the fuck up already.
Looking like everyone’s slightly confused, slightly unkempt uncle who no one would ever accuse of molesting his nieces despite the fact that he’s totally molesting his nieces, Kasich spoke at the Women’s National Republican Club (motto: “Stockholm syndrome is alive and well”) to say that he offers the only path for decency for the GOP. Republicans have a choice. There’s Path A, “the path that exploits anger, encourages resentment, turns fear into hatred and divides people. This path solves nothing, demeans our history, weakens our country and cheapens each of us. It has but one beneficiary and that is to the politician who speaks of it.” That’s one motherfucking terrible choice. What’s the other?
“The other path is the one America has been down before. It is well trod, it is at times steep, but it is solid,” Kasich explained. Yeah, that boring ol’ path is where “America’s supposed decline becomes its finest hour, because we came together to say ‘no’ to those who would prey on our human weakness and instead chose leadership that serves, helping us look up, not down.”
Them’s mighty fancy words for a man who has never seen an abortion restriction or defunding bill he hasn’t loved, a man so full of right-wing jizz on education policy that he’s helped destroy the school systems of Ohio, a man who hates unions, loves lower taxes for the rich, and is generally a total dickhead to anyone who crosses him. Motherfuckin’ John Kasich is, as he told the womenfolk of Manhattan about others, “the path to darkness.”
If you ever wanted to scream, “Shut the fuck up” to a sitting governor, check out his interview with the editorial board of the New York Daily News, where Kasich’s just vomiting up cornpone: “Oh, I mean, my dad was a mailman. I mean, come on. I’m just a kid from McKees Rocks. I mean, being governor, I’ve accepted that. In New York City? Me? Running for President. It’s hard to believe.” Put aside for a second that McKees Rocks isn’t some little village in the middle of a wheat field. It’s a fucking suburb of Pittsburgh. No, the son of a mailman was once a Fox “news” regular and show host (of the bullshit-named Heartland), living large in New York City. He’s a fucking liar. The whole thing is a goddamned lie.
And the rest of the interview involves Kasich saying that he doesn’t “know the numbers” so many times, it’s a wonder he can even count.
So shut the fuck up, John Kasich. Shove the whole faux country boy act up your ass and choke on your rationally-voiced irrationality.
Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on April 12, 2016, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa. It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.