The ugly ending of this ugly election just got even uglier. Like rotting armadillo ugly. Oh, we were lulled briefly into a sense that the whole thing was going to wind to an end, as Republican candidate and upside down candy corn Donald Trump was starting to choke on his own conspiracy theories, as Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton amassed an insurmountable lead and was starting to make serious inroads into states that had previously been GOP strongholds.
Well, the motherfuckin’ joke was on every one of us motherfuckers.
Today, FBI Director James Comey released a nearly meaningless, cagey letter to members of Congress saying the FBI, while looking into some unnamed matter, found some emails “that appear pertinent to the investigation” of Clinton’s private email server. So the FBI is gonna check ’em out to see if “they contain classified information” and if they have any “importance to our investigation.”
This isn’t a “reopening” of the investigation, as everyone is breathlessly saying. If it had ever been closed, Comey wouldn’t have said he was going to “supplement” his previous report. It would be a new investigation. Besides, reporter Pete Williams says that the emails aren’t actually from Clinton, just from a device that was found. In other words, chances are it’s a big fucking pile of nothing and Comey was covering his ass and/or starting up some shit because he’s, hell, who knows? bored? Or was he trying to get the FBI out of the crosshairs of the Republican pigfuckers in Congress who have vowed nonstop investigations of the bureau?
And thus, with a whiff of pheromones in the air, the right-wing feeding frenzy went from “shit fight at a monkeyhouse” to “weasels fucking after getting into the meth stash.” All of a sudden, Trump was loving the FBI after talking shit about it for months, and declared that the email “scandal” was “bigger than Watergate” (and obviously more important than being a sexual predator). The Republican National Committee, facing the loss of the Senate and the potential loss of the House, went all in on saying that the mere hint at some iota of something slightly suspicious automatically disqualifies Clinton. Conservatives yelped out in simultaneous orgasm all over social media. Sean Hannity was last seen still convulsing on the floor of his office as a weeping intern waited to clean him up. Ann Coulter just squirted and exploded.
Welcome to the last dozen days of this endless goddamn punishment of an election. I’m gonna guess almost no one is thinking of changing their votes from Clinton to Donald Trump because some vague, undefined thing must be up with Clinton and the emails, even though you don’t really know what the fuck that really is. But, goddamnit, it just means that the GOP is fluffing itself for the coming impeachment hearings.
And that, more than anything else, is the reason they must be crushed into street scum and washed away come Election Day.
Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on October 28, 2016, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa. It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.