Fuck, no, Representative Trey Gowdy, you narrow-headed motherfucker, we’re not gonna read your bullshit committee’s 800-page bullshit Benghazi report. You know why? Because, you future circus geek, there ain’t 800 pages worth of anything left to fucking say about the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya. So even though you keep telling everyone, “I simply ask the American people to read this report for themselves, look at the evidence we have collected, and reach their own conclusions” or, when you’re feeling like the smug, inbred prick you are, “You can read this report in less time than our fellow citizens were taking fire and fighting for their lives on the rooftops and in the streets of Benghazi,” we are not gonna bother.
The fucking 9/11 Commission Report was just 585 pages. And math tells us that a fuckload more people died then on the soil of the United States.
You know why we’re not gonna read the thing, you cartoon yokel? Because you’ve got nothing. If you had discovered that Hillary Clinton had taken a shit while getting updates on the situation in Benghazi, you’d’ve called a goddamned press conference to say that Ambassador Chris Stevens will never get to take a shit again because Secretary Clinton had been relieving herself when she should have prairie-dogged that bowel movement and personally gunned down the attackers.
But, no, really, Barney Fife without the charm, make sure you appear on all the fuckin’ news shows to jack yourself off about how you found some big new things, like, what? That the military should have at least tried to get there a little faster, even though there was no means known on this earth that would have transported troops there in time? That the consulate and Ambassador Stevens should have been better protected? Well, no shit, little man. However, unless you have an email or something that says that Hillary Clinton personally ordered security away from them, then it’s just lesson learned. Oh, and, by the way, we know you don’t have an email or something because you had 800 pages to show it to us, and, if you did, you’d’ve been touting that as the greatest historical event since Ronald Reagan used his dick to knock down the Berlin Wall or whatever stupid shit you believe.
Mostly, though, we’re not gonna read you Benghazi report because it’s fucking boring. So fucking boring, even as you tried to write it in a not-boring way. And there’s nothing you could have done to make it less boring because you don’t have anything new to say, even as you try to tell us that you do, you goon who looks like your hair was cut by a spastic spider monkey.
The whole report is like one of those cooking competition shows, like Chopped. The music surges as a chef-competitor attempts to saute some onions quickly and then a dramatic drum beat hits when a judge says that the chef didn’t use enough salt or something. And you might think, “What the fuck? Sprinkle some fuckin’ salt on that shit. Don’t just whine about it.”
So when one of the “most serious” conclusions that the committee came to was that the White House was kind of a prick about getting shit to us, well, man, look in the fuckin’ mirror, if you can stand to. And does anyone actually give a happy weasel fuck about what Susan Rice said on a Sunday talk show? If you do, you are not a serious person and go fuck yourself.
The worst, though, the most galling, stomach-churning, yet hilarious part is that the whole fuckin’ charade was all an attempt to prove that filthy Hillary is a filthy liar. Yet, it seems, according to every piece of evidence, that when it comes to Benghazi, she’s been completely exonerated. She didn’t do a damn things wrong. Yeah, you got the email server out there, and that’s more bullshit to wrestle with, but, otherwise, what?
The Republicans on the select committee may as well have dug up the bodies of the dead and paraded them around, danced with them, fucked their rotting faces, and tossed them on the White House lawn. That’s how much respect the GOP members had for the dead. The birds who shit on their graves have more respect for the dead than Trey Gowdy does.
Still, we’ll never be done with Benghazi until Hillary Clinton is lying in the cold, cold ground, too. We’ll never pretend we’re a sane country that respects the facts. Not anymore, man, not anymore.
Editor’s Note: This essay originally appeared on June 28, 2016, on The Rude Pundit, a website featuring commentary by Lee Papa. It was reproduced here with the consent of Mr. Papa.